Am I Crazy Talking To A Dead Man?
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. (2 Cor 5:1,NLT)
Death has a funny way of affecting a person’s life. It has tamed a part of me while stirring the pot of unconscious within me. For the latter, I’ll need some time for the sediments of unknown thoughts to settle before I could figure out what has arisen.
Dad passed on on 30 Dec 2021. We buried him on 1 Jan 2022. It has been 10 days since.
“I wonder if I will cry when my dad or mum pass on.”
I once said this to a friend during our night walk. Sounds odd, right? Actually, it’s not since I have an avoidant attachment style.
Well, I did. I cried really badly almost every day. Especially the first 5 days. ONLY when no one is around. Remorse and regrets filled my heart. I wish I could have had a little more time with him. There were times I would talk to him as if he was still here.
At one point, I sat on the floor next to this chair, as if I was sitting at the feet of my dad. I took out a piece of paper and started writing a letter to him. I told him how much I love him and I am glad he had finally decided to accept Christ. I’m happy that he is in a much better place where he no longer suffers. I told him how sorry I was for the things that I had said which pained him. I thought I was going a little crazy for “talking to him”, yet I couldn’t help it because it brought peace and comfort to my heart and mind.
Turns out, I am not crazy. Today, during my counselling class, we happened to be studying Gestalt therapy. One of his well-known methods is the Empty Chair technique. The purpose of it is to allow the client to work through her conflicts and gain insights into her feelings and behaviour.
Indeed, it has brought many insights into my feelings and caused some change of behaviour. I discover I am no longer angry with dad. I see him in a new light of grace which I previously had not. I realize what a loving and understanding dad I have (I refuse to use the past tense “had” because he is still my dad even though he’s passed on).
These revelations have made me want to be a better daughter to my mum, and a better person in general. Past hurt will only blind me to what is good and pure. I’d rather focus my energy on the positive.
Looking back, I’m glad I made the decision to return home 4 months ago to be with my parents. Many had told me how foolish I was to resign and return home without any job security in place. If I had followed their advice, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.
With that, I will sign off by saying,
“Dad, I love you and I miss you dearly. I can’t wait to meet you again. Till then, take care!”
Love, Your Forever Daughter.
